can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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