Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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