okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
