You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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