Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
