If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
