Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
