I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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