Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
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My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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