So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
