seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
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So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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