o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
