LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
