gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
