I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
