these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
