Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
