My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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