The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
