mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
