if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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