Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
