my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
