I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
