i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
