she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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