i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
