you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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