Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
