my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
