i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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