My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
