I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
