I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This is my gift to your gina
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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