I wish I could teleport
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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