The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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