Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
