I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
