She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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