found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She's the barista slut.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
