my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
