If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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