Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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