I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
