Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
