I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
