I wish my penis had an off switch
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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