How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
