pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
