he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No I am not eating basil off your cock
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It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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