rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
