Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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