Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
