my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
