Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk