Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
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You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
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My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.