she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
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The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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