Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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