he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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