I could make wine with my vomit
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
