Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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