I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
