WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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