Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
