What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
