I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
