wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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